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I'm stronger than I thought.
After receiving 2 (almost consecutive) slaps on my face, it's quite astonishing that I'm still standing. Wobbly maybe, but moving along. Despite the nausea and sickening numbness in my head, I have to give more credit to my own courage.
My brain hasn't been able to stop thinking, reasoning, pondering these "happenings" over and over. As much as I tried to appease my emotions initially, it seemed that the more more I chew over them, the angrier I got. I won't blame anyone for what had happened, it was the result of several factual elements that lead to it. No, in the end, I grew angrier towards myself, for noticing the signals, brushing them away in hopes that it will dissipate eventually, and letting them simmer, until a point where nothing can be done to amend. Again, I was too gullible.
And these slaps served well as brutal, yet alarming, wake up calls.
For the last several months, I have dreamed of and lived in a false illusion. A mirage too beautiful and enchanting to pull myself away from. I didn't want to wake up either, for I was too addicted by its poison that restrained me from observing the reality around me. I was drowned in the whirlpool of fake happiness; not only had I lost my senses, but I've lost myself in it as well.
Now I'm back to the beginning, to where I originally left off. I even learned to appreciate those (hopefully temporary) pains. Was it necessary to be til this extent? Well... maybe not, but it was definitely effective, and I've always preferred stronger/faster doses.
I don't regret any of this, it wasn't an erroneous choice. I will not lament over woulda coulda shouldas. It was all part of the game, a big gamble with too much of myself at stake. But I set my own instructions and I followed them faithfully, so it's only fair that I face the consequences according to rules.
Doesn't matter that it didn't turn out the way I dreamed of. I'm sure I wouldn't want it to be any other way. I'm calm enough now to hold myself rational, logical, pragmatic, tempered. Reality is reminding my head to focus on being who I am, to listen to the callings that would make me happy, to seek for what I've wanted, and to selfishly spoil myself rotten again.
So I'm going to keep myself busy with all the new down-to-earth assignments. However, I still won't stop my heart from dreaming and being romantic. I will continue to love over to be loved. Because that's how I am, that's what I believe, that's how I choose to live and dream my life.
After receiving 2 (almost consecutive) slaps on my face, it's quite astonishing that I'm still standing. Wobbly maybe, but moving along. Despite the nausea and sickening numbness in my head, I have to give more credit to my own courage.
My brain hasn't been able to stop thinking, reasoning, pondering these "happenings" over and over. As much as I tried to appease my emotions initially, it seemed that the more more I chew over them, the angrier I got. I won't blame anyone for what had happened, it was the result of several factual elements that lead to it. No, in the end, I grew angrier towards myself, for noticing the signals, brushing them away in hopes that it will dissipate eventually, and letting them simmer, until a point where nothing can be done to amend. Again, I was too gullible.
And these slaps served well as brutal, yet alarming, wake up calls.
For the last several months, I have dreamed of and lived in a false illusion. A mirage too beautiful and enchanting to pull myself away from. I didn't want to wake up either, for I was too addicted by its poison that restrained me from observing the reality around me. I was drowned in the whirlpool of fake happiness; not only had I lost my senses, but I've lost myself in it as well.
Now I'm back to the beginning, to where I originally left off. I even learned to appreciate those (hopefully temporary) pains. Was it necessary to be til this extent? Well... maybe not, but it was definitely effective, and I've always preferred stronger/faster doses.
I don't regret any of this, it wasn't an erroneous choice. I will not lament over woulda coulda shouldas. It was all part of the game, a big gamble with too much of myself at stake. But I set my own instructions and I followed them faithfully, so it's only fair that I face the consequences according to rules.
Doesn't matter that it didn't turn out the way I dreamed of. I'm sure I wouldn't want it to be any other way. I'm calm enough now to hold myself rational, logical, pragmatic, tempered. Reality is reminding my head to focus on being who I am, to listen to the callings that would make me happy, to seek for what I've wanted, and to selfishly spoil myself rotten again.
So I'm going to keep myself busy with all the new down-to-earth assignments. However, I still won't stop my heart from dreaming and being romantic. I will continue to love over to be loved. Because that's how I am, that's what I believe, that's how I choose to live and dream my life.
posted by nongi at 6:45 PM
2 Comments:
Inong, you gotta tell me what happened.
Let me know if you need any help!
Inong,I do believe that people become stronger as they experience more in thier life. Maybe there is no other choice but to be strong...However, remember there is always someone close to you in your heart and you can just depend on them in such difficult circumstances. That's what they are fo. Believe me, Inong, I am sure everything will go well. Cheer up, sweety! Luv ya:)
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