to my loved one

it's kinda hard for me to bring this up, but i feel the need to. out of catharsis?? i dunno. perhaps i think it's time to write it down, so it can help me remember things later, perhaps, it's too important to me to let it go.
i wanted to write it down a few days ago, around thanxgivin weekend, but i was too scared (and lazy??) to do so...
so yeah... it was kiki's 1 yr anniversary already. i still can't believe that she's not here w/us anymore. actually, i'm still not sure the exact date that she passed away. wanted to ask before, but my godma's not very into the topic, and i'm too afraid to ask my godsis, too afraid that that may bring back sad memories for her.
i still remember the day that i got the news. it was during thanxgivin break, that day my friends and i drove up to vancouver for some thanxgivin trip/shoppin. that night i came back home, and made some phone calls back home to catch up with families. i first called my godparents place coz haven't talked to them in a long time. my godma picked up the phone, and we were havin fun on the phone for a while, just chit chattin as usual. then, her voice got a little serious, and told me that kiki died a week before. i was in shock.
in total shock
i knew that her condition was not ok, she suddenly suffered from some sickness in her liver, she was not eatin well, and her body became skinnier and skinnier. my sister once told me that kiki was almost only skin and bones. she was taken to the vet every single day to get some vaccine and some nutrient shots to keep her stronger, even thogh she was barely walkin, coudl barely scratch herself. very very sick, from what i heard.
every time i hear my sister report kiki's condition, my heart breaks a little. that poor little grl, so small, so fragile, and indeed, she was very fragile of her sickness at that time

kiki was bought by my godsis several years ago. 7, 8? i don't remember. she was still a little puppy when i saw her for the first time, already super cute. the next summer break i saw her was 1 yr later, a little young puppy lady, running around the house. somehow we both could really connect to each other. she liked me a lot, and i love her tons back. in my godparents' house, she would go wherever i go, following my steps with her little white paws makin little hopping steps. she could have whatever i was havin: break, cookies, choco (even tho she was not supposed to have), milk, meat, fruits, you name it, she had it.
was i spoilin her too much? hell yeah~ but she deserves it. if i had another chance, i would do the same things over and over again, i would give her all things that can make her happy

oh yeah... we could really see her smile. from her eyes, i could tell she was happy. when she looked at me, i knew she was happy having my company, and i would feel very proud, proud of her and proud of the relationship that we had. and when she was sad or lost, we would know too. her mom would sometimes complain and get jealous that kiki likes me better since she's always with me when i'm around the house
so many funny things happend when i was with her. she's such an amazin dog who, my godsis and i really believe that, thinks she's a human like us. maybe she had a human spirit within, she was just a human but in a dog's body. at least i would like to think so
she slept on the bed with pillow and covers! our pillow and covers! how cute is that?

too many good memories with her, to describe it, i''m just out of words.
the day that i got the sad news, i did not cry when i finished my phone conversation with my godma, but afterwards, i called back home, and there, i could not resist anymore. my sister was sad that kiki died as well, we were both crying on the phone, i was almost out of breath, trying to digest the shock. why did god had to take her away? she was such a nice dog.
then they told me it was for the best, kiki was sufferin too much from all that pain and backs and forths from the vet. she has always disliked the vet...
so after that, i tried to not to mention about her in my conversations with my godparent's family. did not want to bring up sad memories. at least they are too sad for me, i could not bear it. it seems that her ashes are still with her mom, she'll find the best place to place her once she finds it.
kiki's mom still remembers her sometimes, whenever we see a white puppy, she would say, 'there goes kiki! but my kiki was the cutest' she would smile when she says that, i'm not sure about her, but my heart was dyin whenever she says something like that. eventhough she tries to make the conversation as lively as it can be, i would make my best to avoid and change the topic so i dun cry in her face and upset her as well

it was so weird goin back to tw this time. it was scary for me to walk into my godparents house without kiki there waitin for me to take off my shoes, wavin her tail, and jumping on me for some pattin and some fun. i had to try hard to not let my tears come out. when i went back, i really missed her a lot. i still miss her a lot
sometimes i wonder if she though about me before she passed away. did she ever remember the grl that used to show up only 3 months a year but would join her on her bed? did she think of the person who would give her little pieces of fruits while the 2 of them watched tv on the couch?
and sometimes i'm mad at myself for the last time that we spend together. it was the first winter break from uw, and it was only 2-3 weeks long, i did not have much time in tw.
durin that break, i've only spent one nite at my godparents place; that night i slept with my niece in my godsis' former room (she moved out coz she's married, but did not take kiki to her new place because she was afraid kiki would not be used to it). my niece and i shared the bed, like what kiki's mom and i used to do. except for this case, kiki was not in the middle of us. my godbro is not very attached to kiki, and he's always tried to keep his kids away from her. thus me, as guest, could not really let kiki to hop on the bed like i used to let her.
that night, kiki slept on the door outside the room. she was scratchin the door tryin to get in and spend the night with me, but i didn't let that happen
that was one of the last times i saw kiki durin that break

this summer when i went back to tw, there was one time when my goddad, my mom and i were just chattin. somehow the topic went back to kiki.
my goddad sleeps on the floor, so after kiki's mom moved out, kiki would go and sleep with my goddad every night. so durin the conversation, my goddad told me about this amazin thing happened. he said that durin the last days of her life, kiki did not look well at all, and he kinda anticipated that she will not hang on any longer. then one weekend, when my godsis went back home, my goddad suggested her to take kiki back to her house with her, because kiki looked quite different that day. she did, and the morning after that, kiki passed away
and did my goddad said a couple days after? don't remember now. he said that durin one night, when he was turning in his bed, he felt sudden move/pushing on his back. he was sure it was kiki whose spirit came back to sleep with him, as they used to be. he said to her 'kiki, u're back...' and the pushing faded
i want to believe that it was true all what happened, so at least i know she's around, and hopefully can show up in one of my dreams, so she can sleep with me once again