some reasons that keep me going

I don't konw what I want yet.
But I know this is not what I want.

whatever it was, whatever this is, i had a great time.
don't feel like giving it names.
the sense of freedom
the connection
our childlike interaction
it was easy coz we didn't have to start from zero
i felt peaceful. no mixed/complicated feelings. or any feeling at all. but just... myself

we've always enjoyed each other's companion, i have no doubts about that.
boredom is nonexistent, and even the silent pauses we take come in the right timing to take a break from all the jokes and laughters we've said or done

you know me more than i know you
heck, you may even know my not-yet spoken or thought-about thoughts!
i do feel guilty coz i can now finally remember your bday after all this years,
and i really apprecitate your being so considerate (hope it's not coz of the times that i've failed you before), else how is that the puniest nonesense i say, you remember, and somehow show it later in the most subtle way?
maybe secretly feel extra honored coz it seems that i was the main purpose of your trip. =P
1hr drive is not that far, but it can be a burden after your previous 5hr drive from where you initially took off.

haven't had hang-outs like this for a while. suddently, all the old memories rushed and filled my head.
thank you, for putting a smile on me before i went to sleep.

THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH ^__^

THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH FOR YOUR B-DAY WISHES!!!!
<3 <3 <3
Your messages, phone calls, emails, cards, etc. are the best gift that I can ever ask for. Thank you so much for remembering~~~ You've all made a *ahem* 18 year old very happy.

Your wishes are a bless, and I do feel blessed for having you, you, you, and all of you as friends, within reach or distance away, I know I can count on you for whenever I need, and you know I'm here for you as well.

Thank you my friend.

With tons of love and lots of slobbery kisses.
nong

why do good times fly so fast?

just came back from japan, from spending the best weekend with the best people ever.

the trip was worth every penny, for i cannot ask for anything else to better complete the trip. the cities were unique, the scenery was gorgeous, the weather was perfect, but what makes time (and what made my trip) so unforgettable and precious is the company. always the company. japan can be as pretty as it desires, yet without my dear friends who generously shared their times with me, it would just be any regular, pretty tourist spot.

many many thanx to a lot of people: aya, yui, aya's mom, hitomi, ojichan (coolest ojichan ever), junjun, hiroki, nobu, asako, yuka, taro (hope i didn't leave anyone behind).

Thank you. there are no words enough to express my gratitude. thank you all so much. because of your company, i had the best time in japan.

aw... i miss all of you =( i wish i didn't have to come back to taiwan. if only i could just stay there~~~ what happened? why did my weekend fly so fast? i want to live the same weekend over and over again~~~~~

**trip details and pictures will be updated soon**

what a clumsy/sucky day...
-broke my one and only compack foundation case
-forgot to bring the things that i needed to mail
-drenched my uniform sleeve with the restroom faucet. again.
(and this was all before 9am!)
-no progress on my industry information gathering
-informal business lunch got cancelled (and i gave up my sis' porkchop bento for it today!)
-manager changed her mind on parts of the project, leaving me to handle the bargaining process with the publishers
-not much progress on research paper
-spilled coffee in my bag, because the mug was not fully closed, with my pink uniform shirt in it. the spilt coffee was on the shirt, the vanity pouch, and in my USB...

hm... i am taking the last one as a sign. maybe it's saying that i shouldn't wear it anymore...

**deep breath**life is good**

1 more week and i'll be in a far better, happier place where i can leave all this behind for a while. come next thursday, COME~~~~~

cuando deje de contar este dia
cuando las noches se liberen de tonterias
cuando deje de mirar atras
el momento que pare de importar
el momento en que pueda estar inmovil y en paz

quzas el dia que me convierta en ti
quizas ahi recien sera el dia en que realmente pueda decir que estoy sola

i wonder if it's too harsh when i say that being in tw depresses me...

receptionist

after working in my company for 1 year, not only did i land on this "interesting" working environment, but i have also gotten myself 3 positions instead of 1.
position #1: business alliance project manager.
position #2: front desk receptionist by default due to the ubication of my cubicle.
position #3: telephone greeter.

apparently they were serious about the thing. they asked me to record the new automatic phone message for the company line (in chinese and english) that would begin its use in feb. honestly, i still wonder why they called me for that tast because i don't have the sweetest voice when i talk. what's more, i think my voice is quite deep, coarse, and even... manly.
aaanyway, because of that, i had to cancel my day-off (could only take half day off instead) and come to the office to record that greeting message.
the recording was... weird... really weird. i was expecting the procedure to take place in an audio studio with grand mics, but instead it was in a meeting room, speaking over the phone. bu... boring. and i realized something during the recording: i make clicking sound when i speak. T__T
it's not very audible during conversations, but if recorded, whenever i finish a sentense, some unknown part of my mouth would make a *click* sound, making the message useless because it can irritate some pple w/that clicking.
and like that, i was in the conference room for almost 3 hours, trying to unclick when i speak, and drinking a LOT of water because my throat was getting so tired after all the trials. who'd have thought that it's that hard to record some silly message?!
anyway, i called the company line the other day to check on MY message. again, another feel of ickyness... it's funny to hear your voice talking to yourself, you know?

"貿協您好. Thank you for calling TAITRA. If you know the extension number, please dial it now, or press 9 for operator assistance..."

no, i will not encourage anyone to call my company. and if you do, please dial extention #1389 IMMEDIATELY so i can offer you my assistance =P

one other thing, i guess what abe said was right. i should be getting paid for all this!!!! but i'm not!!! >___< they're using all my intellectual properties, my charisma and now my voice to greet pple, i'm being friggin exploited and for free!!!
i want my damn royalties, damn it!

Call me Ms. Shitty

When end of the year approaches, what makes employees most happy is the company's "end of year" dinner party. Free food, music, entertainment, games, the only time in the year given the permission to possibly mock the boss in public for all sh*t that you had to go throughout the year, and the highlight of the event—the gifts and prizes. Well, I here had my first end of the year dinner party last Friday.

Since my entire company is too large, dinner parties are organized individually according to each department. All details and arrangements are up to the dinner party committee, and it normally consists of some speeches by the boss, and by the boss' boss that hopefully be interrupted by MCs so draggy pain doesn't have to go on and on, food, performances, raffles, lottery and bingo games (yup, just like the old folks). Very light and easy. But that's not our case. We like to kick it up a notch.

My boss likes karaoke. A lot. He loves singing, his voice is pretty ok, he knows quite a few old songs and he often thinks he's the next Taiwanese Idol. Therefore, for his dinner party, there HAS to be some karaoke performances involved. However, simple performances just won't do the job. They made it a karaoke competition: 6 teams of 3 (1 guy 2 girls, we're short on guys), 3 songs (male, female, duet) and at least one of the songs has to be in Taiwanese. Initially, the competition seemed to be a fair fun, people go up and sing, we vote what we liked, the winning team takes US$450, US$300 for the runner up. Fun and joy. Several people from my team signed up for it, including myself. But it wasn't till later, when the boss suddenly had one of his episodes of PMS (story too long to be written) that the whole competition took a different spin. Not only did we have 1st and 2nd winners, we were also voting for the WORST team. Yes. There was a 蔡青史獎 (pronounced in 台語), which literally means "The one that poops green sh*t" for US$100, and on top of that, there would be a panel of judges to criticize each singer's performance. Yes... we would have a Randy, Paula, and Simon, to be judging on our image, singing skills and the overall performance. One small detail, my boss likes to rant/biatch/complain/talk sh*t a lot too. Needless to say, boss was, of course, Simon. Oh, and did I mention that in their email they said they would do whatever possible to make us look BAAAAAAD on stage?

Now, although the dinner party was held within each department, we still had to invite those who decide on the bit shots, like our president, the 2 VPs, and bosses from other departments that we normally have more interactions with. Hence, yeah... not only were we going to embarrass ourselves in public, but we were also going to embarrass ourselves in front of the top execs. And people from other departments. Great.

The designated songs were randomly chosen from a small pool of (oldies) song lists, and my song was, err... quite hard and high pitched. LOL. Few people performed very well, while others, AKA my team, we didn't do so well. But cannot blame anyone actually. Our male song was horrible... It doesn't match my teammate's style at all! Not to mention that the song is god-knows-how-old.

Frankly, it was a bit painful to hear our team perform. Could tell from my colleagues' and the bosses' faces. Hahaha~ That's why I have to give credit for my team's courage, for it is not that easy to go onto the stage and make a total fool out of oneself. That takes a lot of guts, you see. And a lot of shameless self. Aaanyway, the judges didn't have to do that much effort to take us down, the audience are all aware of what they heard; and when it came to vote, my team got the "Worst Team" title, fair and square, with a high 82 votes (out of probably 90 people). It was almost by default. Hahahaha~ Hell yeah~!

I mean, in this kind of occasion, either you score high or you try to hit the bottom pit, because that's where the prizes are, right? So, my team won the so-called Shitty Prize (蔡青史獎), and we're now known as the shitty people (蔡青史人). Hm... that's a very interesting way to start a brand new year! Well, at least we got something. It is definitely way better than being criticized and NOT getting anything out of it (muuahahaha~ take that, you suckers!).

Told you people that I have shitty luck!

BUT~~! Shitty luck can be good and bad, remember? God is fair after all. I guess He/She took pity on my after seeing me be all shitty. Because later, during the final round of bingo, I actually won! Hehehehe~~~ And it was a hard one too! Not any 5 lines can call Bingo, instead, we had to make complete the blocks that were given. My game looked like this Pretty weird shape, huh? But I GOT IT~!!!! And the game was for $240! I was all jumpy and happy. Good good. In the end, I made almost $300 for the entire dinner. AAAh~~~ It feels good. This upcoming Friday, my entire company is going on a hiking trip, and they'll be giving out $80 mall vouchers for those who complete the trail. Hehehe, we're being paid to exercise~! That's good company benefit. That's what we're talking about.

Being Ms. Shitty is not that shitty after all =)

Tu

Again, it's song time~!

Tu - Shakira
Te regalo mi cintura
Y mis labios para cuando quieras besar
Te regalo mi locura
Y las pocas neuronas que quedan ya

Mis zapatos destenidos
El diario en el que escribo
Te doy hasta mis suspiros
Pero no te vayas mas

Porque eres tu mi sol
La fe con que vivo
La potencia de mi voz
Los pies con que camino
Eres tu amor
Mis ganas de reir
El adios que no sabre decir
Porque nunca podre vivir sin ti

Si algun dia decidieras
Alejarte nuevamente de aqui
Cerraria cada puerta
Para que nunca pudieras salir

Te regalo mis silencios
Te regalo mi nariz
Yo te doy hasta mis huesos
Pero quedate aqui

Porque eres tu mi sol
La fe con que vivo
La potencia de mi voz
Los pies con que camino
Eres tu amor
Mis ganas de reir
El adios que no sabre decir
Porque nunca podre vivir sin ti


In the end, Shakira's best songs are in Spanish. Maybe it's something about the lyrics, or the language itself, but Shakira's Spanish songs are THE best!

heh, kinda hard not having this song ring in my head right now

孫燕姿 - 雨天

站在十字路的交點
該怎麼走 我卻只想回頭

除了你給的傘 我再也沒有 別的藉口

去擁有你的什麼

你能體諒我有雨天 偶爾膽怯你都了解

過去那些 大雨落下的瞬間 我突然發現

誰能體諒我的雨天 所以情願回你身邊

此刻腳步會慢一些 如此堅決

你卻越來越遠

牽手和分手來自同一雙手 作回朋友 我卻悔恨不懂挽留

你能體諒我有雨天 偶爾膽怯你都了解

過去那些 大雨落下的瞬間 我突然發現

誰能體諒我的雨天 所以情願回你身邊

此刻腳步會慢一些 如此堅決 你卻越來越遠

是否太晚 路已走遠 我的眼眶淚太滿 走不回你身邊

actually... too many songs and their wonderful lyrics spinning 'round my head. probably i'll post other songs later, whatever's suits my mood at that time. maybe. we'll see.

linear relationships

on a random conversation about relationships, a friend was telling me about the situation he has with a grl and his view about it. he discribed themselves as 2 parallel lines, one next to the other, having similar thoughts like the other, extending at relatively similar speed, and was always by each other's side. however, as we can all recall from geometry back in high school, parallel lines will always, well, be parallel. and that's how my friend sees himself and this girl: because they were parallel lines, although they care about each other, and had a more-than-just-friends connection, due to their "inherent properties", these 2 lines will never come across to a point. they will continue being their parallel lines and my friend sees no chance that anything will ever happen between them.

that is a very interesting way to see relationships in my opinion.

so after developing this "theorem" further, here's how i see the whole linear relationship issue. (ps. i suck at math, so bear with me)
1) if seeing people as lines and the relationships of the person as the course of the lines, then yes, parallel lines will never cross each other, and they will always be parallel to each other.
2) the course of the lines (the path, the slope of the line) represents the thinking of the person
3) if the lines are not parallel, it means that these points will eventually meet at a point. then the point, in this case, can be interpreted as the chemistry between these people, or the official relationship.

now the problem doesn't end here, because based on what i remember from math, once the lines cross each other, meet at a point, the lines don't stop at that intersection...
4) the lines actually continue their path. and, according to geometry, the paths they take after the intersection is towards the opposite direction. therefore, translating this into relationship context, it would represent the the end of the relationship, and their path that they take after the breakup
5) and these lines will continue their path untill they come across another line, another line not parallel to them, and meet at another point further down the plane. and repeat the previous steps

soooooo, here's what i've been thinking.
- when referring to parallel relationships, it's good that you have a constant person by your side and giving your support. i see the level of support given as the distance between those parallels. if so, is it possible that the care these people offer to each other gets so intense, enough to pull them together, for those 2 parallel lines to be so close to each other that eventually, they join and become one single line, extending till infinity?
fine, that's almost impossible. 1 line can never be 2 lines. hahaha~

-regarding non parallel lines, if they are all extending at a constant speed, does it mean that
it takes more time for more parallel lines to meet at a point than those who are less parallel? really. 2 lines with steeper slopes, and 2 lines with more horizontal slopes. steeper sloped ones take longer to meet at a point. in that case, even if there is such chemistry, it'll take longer for people who think alike to end up together.
(hm... ~___~lll)

-people who think differently hence produce higher "interests" that attract the opposite?
ok, so they attract each other, they meet at an ealier point. but when it comes to their relationship AFTER the breakup, they also tend to take absolutely opposite directions from the other?
ok, this can actually make some sense.

-one last question. is there anything in life that can make a line change its tragectory? make the lines join at a point, merge, and from there on, continue their paths in a single line.
so far, i haven't heard of such formula.
maybe it exists, it's just that i haven't taken the upper level math yet.

this is too confusing. i'm confused.
that's all for nono's math 101. class dismissed.
i have office hours 24-7, you only need to step into the office with some coffee, deal?

有點了解小馬多年前給我的一個小建議
愛與被愛 會有不同的體驗
愛一個人 有時會是痛苦的 但心甘情願
被愛 可能不會是預期想要的 但是比較幸福的

再怎麼選擇 我還是寧願當愛人的那一方
我自己做出的決定 敢作敢當敢承受所有後果

假象? 幻覺? 錯亂? 寂寞?
拋棄種種理性邏輯
我投降 沉淪了
現在 心甜甜的

One year

and finally, this date has arrived.

happy f*cking 1 year annyversary.
yup, i can't belive i left seattle for one full year now.

a year ago, i was happily surrounded by great company but had to say goodbye to them in tears. 6 months ago, i wrote an entry about my semi-annyversary, wondering about the whereabouts of my future and my personal plans. and now, this one year window allows me to make some comments and reflections.

many things can happen in 1 year, 12 months, 52 weeks and 365 days. shifts in culture, environment, people, personality, habits. subtle professional, mental, and of course, personal growth.
all these changes, like everything else in life, can be weighted from their pros and cons. in my case, i regret coming back to taiwan. i've wondered too many times all the "what-ifs" that's it's almost driving me insane. i love seattle, i miss seattle, i wanna go back, now.
but on the brighter side, i wouldn't have noticed the things that i took for granted unless i had lost them. if i hadn't come back, i wouldn't have known the importance of the things that i left behind, i wouldn't have gotten my job, wouldn't have understood the shitty situation in tw, which wouldn't have helped me in determining what i really want for myself in the future.

1 year down, and a few more years to go.
i'm patient... i'm patient... i can wait... (constant brainwashing myself)

can't help but remember the 2000 f*ucking 8?! hahahahaha~ >___<

happy stupid depressing annyversary to myself =____=

met up with 2 old friends for dinner the other evening. actually, it was dinner with my 2 old friends and a baby. yeah, my friend's baby, Jean.
that friend of mine has already been mentioned on my blog before, i visited her last year in LA, on my Yosemite road trip, when she was there expecting for her baby to be born. cute pictures of us were also posted on that blog

well, this is the part that i didn't mention before. a few days after my visit, Jean was born. one month ahead of time, emergency cesarian, because there was too much liquid in her body.
that scared the hell out of my friend because the baby was immediately sent to ICU and the doctors sticked quite a handful of tubes in her little body in order to keep her alive.
it's scary how fragile a small life can be.
those days were the worst days that a mother can ever face: living under constant fear that your baby might leave you and this world anytime

fortunately, little jean pulled it out. and she's now 13 months old. it was my first time meeting little jean, and honestly, she was nowhere near what i had in mind. coz... that baby didn't look like a 13mo old at all!! she was... quite big! hahahahaha~~~ i would guess that that was an average size of a 2-3 yr old actually.
it was funny to see how my friend, still in her petite chopstick shape as usual, was pushing this huge baby cart along the streets. ok, huge compared to her size, but it look quite normal when i was pushing it.

my friends are still the same, same old care for each other, hence our meeting was still the same as well. except that this time, we had an active baby that was climbing up and down the table, running around the restaurant (thank god the restaurant wasn't crowded at all), and pulling everything she sees within her range. there was no minute of peace during dinner, yet we all enjoyed it. happy to see that my friends are doing ok, and even happier to see that little jean is healthy and ready to start her little life. there are some scars left on her body from the old tubes, but i am so proud of her wounds. they represent her courage that fought agaist death, her strive and longing for survival.

it's amazing how strong a small life can be

就讓記憶中的你慢慢老
老去了誰也得不到

note to myself:
next time, when managers ask me if i want to go abroad for expos, say YES.
it is ALWAYS YES!
don't think of other consequences, just plain old yes.
is that hard to say it out loud?

even if i know there's no way they'll send me outside now, still... Yes is always the right answer

yes
now i wanna go to barcelona too...
damn it, great way to screw it... 2 weeks overseas!! apffttttt...
YES i DO!!!!!!

Symptoms of Culture Shock

-irritability, moodiness
-fluctuating appetite
-disrupted sleep
-homesickness
-spending time alone
-avoiding the locals
-reading all day
-boredom, low energy
-confusion, anxiety
-negativity, alineation
-depression
-physical illness
-stereotyping
taken from international culture class

check, check, maybe, check check check, perhaps, check^2, check, half check, maybe, not really, check^infinite.

i guess i'm qualified for the "i'm-suffering-from-culture-shock" club. culture shock from my hometown
....interesting. XD

i accidentaly smelled a familar scent
that brought back flashbacks i thought i've left behind

it's not old
for the bottle is half full
it's not new
for the bottle is half empty

addicted, hard to put it down now.
so i let myself drown in its bittersweet aroma
hoping it can take me to places i wanna be

and like this,
i put myself to sleep