encontrarme en otra persona

a veces pienso q seria copado si tuviera un clon de mi misma, asi ella me hace el pelo, me puede maquillas como yo quiero, quizas ella puede ir al cole x mi, hacer mi tarea, etc etc... en fin, tener una hermana/sirviente (???) q me haga las cosas.
q se yo... no parece copado? hehehe... quizas el mundo entrara en caos...
y a veces me protejo a mi misma de cosas, quizas me protejo demasiado. como mencione antes, soy egoista, y no me gusta sufrir o dejar q otros aprovecharse de mi. entonces me protejo muy bien (?) de situaciones en q pueda llegar a salir lastimada. sera q me quiero demasiado?
mmm... eso no suena tan bien

hay un chico desde hace mas de 1 anio. ya no se si decir q me gusta o no... no se... ya deje de pensar en el 24-7, me di cuenta de q cosas entre nosotros no sera muy posible, pensamos distinto en varias cosas, y a penas tenemos conversacion. mi amigo me pregunta entonces q mierda me gusta de el. el no es de lo mas sunny q digamos, chiquilin en ciertas cosas, y es, como les digo a todos, medio distinto. no puedo nombrar cosas buenas ni cosas malas de el, quizas ya me acostumbre a el como una persona entera, no lo puedo clasificar en nada. no se... solo se q las cosas q el me pide, me viene re dificil en rechazar, si me invita a salir, por mas de q tenga mucha tarea q hacer, siempre trato de sacar tiempo y salgo, todo xq el me invito aunq se q nunca sera una salida entre nosotros 2 no mas.

ahora la pregunta viene asi. le mostre su foto a mi a migo y el me dice "nena... uds se re parecen... si no fuera xq se como es la relacion entre uds, posta de adivinaria q son novios o hermanos." no somos identicos pero el me dijo q tenemos un aire parecido.
se lo mostre a la seniora q trabaja conmigo, y tambien me dijo q nos asemejamos un monton, q somos re parecidos. ella estaba chocha de q era el el chico, y se estaba entuciasmando de q tenemos "cara de pareja". pude reir no mas, se q eso nunca va a pasar. y me dijo el otro dia q ella lo pudo identificar dentro de la iglesia, entre toda esa gente xq vio a una cara de un chico q se re parece a mi.
como es eso de q no veo lo q todos veen?

tengo sentimientos hacia alguien q tiene una cara parecida a mi, q significa eso? eso me hizo dudar si cuando "gustaba" de el era xq realmente me atrae o xq, aunq seria medio feo en pensar, gusto de una persona q se parece a mi?
en otras palabras, gusto de mi misma? soy tan narcista? no... no quiero ahogarme en el agua mirando mi reflejo, todavia no creo q vi en el algo de mi misma (quizas xq no lo quiera ver), quizas realmente sea su personalidad unica q me atrae
me tengo q poner las pilas y mirar nuestra foto otra vez. en q nos parecemos? veo las fotos tantas veces, y no encuentro nada, pero como es eso de q hay unas personas q me dicen q el y yo nos parecemos?

dejeuner du matin

so yeah, this is one of my favorite poems. it's the first french poem that the teacher told us durin school, and a lot of us like it. somehow, i really like the poem. prob coz it involves a lot of objects that i like, prob it's the feeling, the atmosphere that the poem describes

dejeuner du matin
jacques prevert

il a mis le cafe
dans la tasse
il a mis le lait
dans la tasse de cafe
il a mis le sucre
dans le cafe au lait
avec la petite cuiller

il a tourne
il a bu le cafe au lait

et il a repose la tasse

sans me parler

il a allume
une cigarette
il a fait des ronds
avec la fumee
il a mis les cendres
dans le cendrier
sans me parler

sans me regarder

il s'est leve
il a mis
son chapeau sur sa tete
il a mis
son manteau de pluie
parce qu'il pleuvait

et il est parti
sous la pluie
sans une parole
sans me regarder

et mio j'ai pris
ma tete dans ma main

et j'ai pleure

#243

"the fundamentals of finance is the time value of money" -- that's a concept that my finance prof would ask us every class. well, i guess time is money, and it is a very precious thing
now that i'm 22, i can trully feel the importance of time and the concept of time value
however, i think 'time' itself is not that valuable per say, since time is an abstract ambiguous matter. what makes time so precious are the opportunities and chances that time contains.
yup, the importance of time is the "time value of opportunities", that's who i would reinterpret time in relation to life. in oder words, 'timing' is all that matters.

looking back on things, i realized that timing is really important when it comes to making decisions in life, or, different timing can make different modifications and changes in life.
after talking to many friends, i got one conclution out of all conversations--timing is everything. it's quite true, and it especially when it's related to relationships.
i have to admit that i had many chances in the past, but due to different circumstances and reasons, i turned them all down, leavin me with nothing. and now, i still have nothing
was there any special reason why i rejected them all? am i just looking for the adrenaline of liking someone but to scared to face the real emtions that love and relationships can bring? probably, probably not, my answer to that varies according to my mood.

haha, now i remember that once i got scolded by a friend for being too chicken. he complained that coz of my fear of facing real emotions and relationships, i was hurting many people. i had no argument to fight back. i think i did hurt that person a lot, and i do feel sorry about that, but i cannot help it, that was my decision back at that time. i dun regret once a decision is made, after all, it's a DECISION, i have to bear the consequences even though they might hurt. and i normally dun change my decisions, no me vale la pena mirar atras xq eso seria perdida de tiempo.
sometimes i feel that love is like the #243 bus, my so-called 'mystery bus'. why?
there's this #243 bus that goes from the ima to my house, but the problem is that it only comes 3 times a day, and once you miss it... oh well, too bad. many times i tried to take the mystery bus after my gym class, but i've only caught it a couple of times during the whole qtr. there was once, gosh, i'm still kinda mad about it, i wanted to take the last bus but i went to the bus stop approx 3-5min after its scheduled time, and the bus would not come (no bus in seattle comes on time). so i waited, and i waited, and durin the time i was waiting, i've also missed this other bus that would go to my house (the bus stop is on the other side of campus though)
after waiting for 10-15min, i decided to give up, so i started walking slowly towards the bridge that would take me to the other bus stop, and... there it was... the freakin mystery bus... 15-20min late. and there i was, on the bridge, 'contemplatin' the bus go by
=___= ... ware...
missin 2 busses in less than 30min, that made me feel very VERY upset
and geez, if that's my reaction for missin a bus, what would be my reactio if i miss luv like that?

do i feel bad for the things that happened? did i ever blame myself for my previous choices? oh hell you bet i do, but that still won't change my choice. con sentir mal no es suficiente razon p q vuelva atras, the world continues to spin.so i don't regret the choices that i made, but those experiences just make wonder, how many choices are we offered in life? what if the amount of opportunities to be offered in life are predetermined in life, and once we miss it, we'll miss it all?
what if, love is really like #243 bus and i've already missed my last ride?