destination unknown

we're now entering february. damn... time does go by soon. now it's the 5th week of the quarter and sometimes, i still feel that i'm in my vacation mood, with no motivation to do anything at all. ANYTHING. i really wish i can have a day when i can do nothing, just stay at home, be a super lazy bum (as my nature calls me to be), and see how slow or fast time can go by. oh~ that would be paradise. i can never be bored if there's nothing to do, for some reason, i can entertain myself quite well even by sitting on a chair or something. weird me...
so i'm 5 months away from graduation, 5 months away from being jobless, homeless, worthless...
yes baby~~ that sounds so interesting and attractive~!!
things would be great if there's a master plan for everyone to follow, in that case, people don't have to think and worry about their future anymore, they just need to look at their "schecule" and JUST DO IT; and also, in that case, our brain would rot within a couple of years... hehehehe
but hey! having everything planned out for you is a very very good idea! it's the best thing that a bum can ask for!

so i've been talking to friends about our future, asking what they're going to do after we all get kicked out from school. i guess that's because i've been asked too many times "what are your plans after you graduate?" "eh... i still don't have any plans yet...", that has been my lame answer that scared everyone who asked me the question, so later they gave me this kinda pity look and a 'conforting' reply "... well... no plan is a GOOD plan..."
yeah... it's fine... it's fine if you tell me that i'm hopeless you know?! i can take those words better!
where should i go? what should i do? i really have no clue... this kind of uncertainty is what make a lot of people worried and overwhelmed. because it definitely works on me!

i have this idea of a 'pre-determined fate with choices'. my crazy head believes in that each individual is under powers from fate, and this fate works as a huge blueprint. it works similar to
those scrolled-up labyrinth, where you'll only know your next routes after you open the scroll a bit more. so the fate with choices would work as such: the fate plan would look like a huge tree that branches out in tons of little twigs, and that plan is already drawn out right after we are born. starting from the bottom, that would be our early ages, and whenever we face a sort of decision/action with options (either we know it consciously or unconsciously) that is when we find a split on the branch. so once we make a decision, we move on to one of the branches, and we continue our path, along the branch, on the fate tree. then another intersection comes, and it's time to make another choice, and we pick again wich road to take, so on so forth. and once we make a choice, we cannot go back, but to continue the way we chose, and pray that we can make a better choice next time. in that sense, our fate is pre-scheduled, but we don't really know what will happen because we're constantly making decisions and picking our best choice from options provided, therefore we can only kinda predict our future choices after we make a choice.
confusing? yeah... i'm confused as well... this fate labyrinth have lost me... don't know what kind of branch i'm standing on, don't know where it'll lead me to, don't know if this is the best branch available...

the sport

'lazy' would be the first word that pops out if u ask my family and friends to describe me, my sis & bro would even add 'as a pig' at the end of it. yup, i'm lazy, i know it, i admit it, and i say it out loud proudly.
the other day i was chattin w/one of my close friends from argentina. we've known each other since high school, she's a really Q grl, chatty and clumsy as hell, but really cool. we've been through quite a few things together in high school, had lots of fun, and we know each other pretty well.
so during our online conversation, i told her that i was leaving for the weekend to go up to whistler to ski...
"PUUUUUUUUAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA", that was her reply, "claudita doin somethin! i can't believe it!! you're playin a sport!". uhm... i guess my lazyness is quite distinctive, huh? so obvious that if i move for more than 1hr, pple would be amazed.
and of coz, i had no comments on the other side of the computer... she said that for all these yrs that she's known me, she hardly saw me do anything, and that it would be a first to see me actually do some kind of sports.
i cannot blame her for the comment... i really didn't move at all during high school. we had volleyball for our PE class for 5 freakin yrs, and i still cannot serve balls that welll. funny thing is that i had super high scores for that class ^.^y how did i do it? well... hehehe, i faked, and i faked a lot, pretending to be super attentive durin practice games and stuff, move just a few steps when the teacher is lookin at my area, and sweet talk, be a nice grl durin class.
hohoho~~~ high school mah... u dun really want to do anythin, specially if ur PE class is righ after lunch and u're suffering from food coma or u're just homesick and want to skip the class.

but it's nice that i've finally found a sport that i enjoy, and it's ski. oh yeah baby~~~ ski~~~ ski wa dai suki!! shu shu shu~~~
i like cold weather, a lot of pple know that. specially our dear friend mark who had to put up w/me this last summer. i was whinin like mad, 24-7, and if temperature rises a bit more, my face would turn all shitty and i get cranky, and poor mark had to deal w/it, hehe. sorry mark & thanx mark! luv ya!
so yup, cold weather can definitely cool me down. it's just nice to have cool/cold days, the air is fresher, u can wear layers of clothes, mix 'n match, and when u're in a warmer place, it feels cozy. anyway, just perfect. and i luv snow, oh my god, i get so happy when it snows or when i see the streets covered by snow. that fresh puffy white cover makes everythin look way much nicer.
i remember i liked snow since little, but after my sis' friend told me that every snowflake was different from each other, i fell in luv w/snow all over again. think about it, each snowflake is unique, and when it snows, sooooooooo many snowflakes fall down from the sky, soooooooooo many special drops from heaven. too bad i dun get to observe each individual flake as they come down, my sight is gettin bad and my reflexes are not that good either... hehe (dude, i sound like an old lady!) since i cannot catch each shape of the flakes, so i found a next best thing to do when it snows: i eat the flakes that fall down!
hahahaha~~~ that sounds damn stupid but i do it. i look up the sky and wait for the big flakes to come down, and then i'll be waitin underneath it and "AaaM!", i eat it.

wow, i'm too far from my topic again, as usual. ok, so the first time that i skied was 3 yrs ago, the first yr that i was in seattle, i joined FIUTS for their thanxgivin whistler trip. jj and i really wanted to go skiin, she's a good skier, and i just wanted to try it out. the office told us that there were limited space, only 8 spots for grls, so jj and i woke up early in the sign-up mornin, and we lined out outside fiuts door since 8am (the office opens @ 10...). i skipped my math class that day, but i didn't care, ski is more important. so when we got to whistler, there was no much snow actually, mostly artificial snow that was produced overnight. my first run was at blackcomb mt. my first day was not fun at all, i have to say it even though i luv skiing. i basically walked my way down the mountain coz the hills were too steep for me, i almost cried, and i felt so bad coz i was holdin jj back. yet despite the bruises and muscle pains, i enjoyed my first ski experience overall.
and after jj went back to jp, i bought her skies for a dirt cheap price. keke. thanx jj! muuuach!
after the thanxgivin trip, there was a 2nd trip up to whistler, last yr's MLK weekend when i joined the SSA, and then a 3rd trip also up to whistler, which was this last MLK weekend, also w/SSA.
man... good trips yo! i have to dedicate special thanx to mark, he's da man who made it all possible! eventho he's hella bz w/his own stuff, eventho he was damn sian w/all the trip plannin, this SSA president managed to take 30 pple up to whistler and babysit us throughout the weekend. thanx a lot mark! thank u daddy~~~~ o^.^o

both trips were really nice, and i feel that i've improved a lot since the first time i've been to whistler. bren was teachin me how to do the fries style so i can stop pizza-ing my way down the hill. mmm... yet my right knee is still funny, it does not really point fwd, but it's slightly bent (uh... hard to explain) bah... i dun care, i just want to have fun up in the mountains. funny thing is that i felt down more this last time than the previous one, and i've also came back w/a huge bruise on my thigh... sigh...

still, the bruises won't take away my passion (well, a little less than passion) towards skiin. ^^
it's so fun, everyone should give it a try! too bad this sport can get kinda pricy...
that's another problem... i still haven't told my papis that i went to whistler >__<"
ouchi... dun wanna see the bills...

blessed

i've always felt that i'm a super blessed grl. lucky to a certain extent (mmm... but i'm not quite sure bout the word lucky since i do have a quite powerful shitty luck as well...).
here are the reasons why i consider myself (shitty) lucky: i have a wonderful family whose members don't suffer from all the daily soap opera's drama, i'm so thankful that i have great friends in us, tw and arg who are always there for me. and i feel very lucky coz even though my family is not rich, they can still provide me with enough financial support to pay for this high maintenance brat, in such an expensive university in the beautiful city of seattle.
...what else? oh oh! i'm also thankful for this last winter cali trip that my parents paid for, the trip turned out to be quite expensive, hahaha, almost 1k from what i heard? well, i dun really want to do the math, and i dun think that i'll tell my papis the total cost of it either... yes... let's just keep it shut... shh~~~

and i guess that i'm damn lucky coz i somehow can get away w/things that i want. (yes, with my stubbornness and my whinin, but hey, the end justifies the means, rite?) i can give quite a lot of examples of this: i managed to have my parents take me to a dance when i was only in 4th grade (oh yeah... there were a LOT of tears and stomps at that time), i got accepted to the only high school that i applied, i got accepted into the only university that i applied, and i got accepted into the only major that i had in mind.
well, now that i've listed all these things, i guess havin a shitty luck is not that bad after all.

ok, back to the point. i'm writin this due to a special request. yes, a good friend's request. but so far, i still dun feel like jumpin into the core topic of this bla-bla session, just to annoy him. hehehe~~~ i luv u, u know i do~~~ ^^y

this last x'mas, i got the biggest present ever. i think it's literally the biggest x'mas gift that i've gotten so far.
now i got a new thing to be added to my to-be-thankful list, and is my new relationship w/someone that i thought i'd never be with. i wonder if it was my stubbornness that helped me this time... maybe i dunno...
i haven't liked a guy like this for a long looong while. i barely remember the last time that i liked someone. hot crushes i had tons, but none of them were serious. i like to see Q guys, eye candy, my eyes like to see pretty things~ hehehe (it's my right!)
the feeling that i have towards him was quite new in a way, since i've almost forgotten how does it feel when u like someone; feeling all the butterflies in ur stomach, and smilin like a dumbass with the mere thought of the person.
mmm... i guess now it's confession time, rite? how did it all started?
well, i can say that i've liked him for a while, a looooong while as well. met him through a good friend, then somehow we all started to hang out, and then somehow i found him quite Q. i think it began as a crush too, he's not bad lookin. hehe (ok, i'm startin to sound superficial). but when the hot crush feelin sunk deeper and deeper, i knew i was in trouble. and before i realized, i liked him, and a lot.
i would have said somethin earlier but gosh, there were so many bad signs that were alarmin me for a "just shut the F up!". and he didn't seem to be interested either, so yeah, do nothin was the best idea. actually, i think the best idea for that time was to forget about him and move on. and oh man, i had so many friends who agreed w/that idea.
but for some reason, i just could not stop likin him, despite the differences, despite all the bad signs. drew kept on tellin me that he does not like me coz of my giant karma for rejectin so many guys before. i agree w/that too... ~___~lll
yet as i said before, i'm stubborn and i will insist until there's no chance at all.

so i continued likin him, even though i knew he would not like me back. we all still hang out as friends, i liked his company as a friend, he's a really nice buddy. i was satisfied w/being one of his buddies.
then how did we end up together after this? i still got no idea... our old asnwer, it just happened. and i'm happy that 'it just happened'. i guess luv does come at the least expected times, huh?
maybe it was the trip, we were all very happy; maybe it was alan's magic bottle (it told me 'why not?' when i asked whether i was goin to get a bf by the end of last yr or not); or maybe, it was one (or more than one) of the pennies that i threw at the fountains durin the trip.
i guess none of that really matters now coz my dream really came true and i'm damn happy. ^^
oh~ it made me extra happy coz it broke my record of 5 days!!!!!!! oh yeah baby~~~

but there are still some problems... he is basically my frist bf, and i really like him a lot. after all those yrs wondering about relationships, those worries have now surfaced again. how to keep a healthy relationship? what things can make him happy? what not? how can i become a better gf? am i doing the right things? does he know how i trully feel? is he sure that he wants all this? is he sure that he wants to be w/a grl who's gettin all paranoid rite now??? @____@
yes i know that i should just follow my instincts, and do what feels right. and if not, talk to him. communication is the best tool.
easy to say, but hard to do sometimes. it's not that i won't talk to him, but i still feel a bit insecure. perhaps i want it to be PERFECT, but there's no such thing. we'll see... see what happens
ay... contradictory life...
ay... really... poor him that he has to deal w/me now... (too late to look back~ wahahaha~)